I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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