I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
