I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
