My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
