So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
