I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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