Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
