Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
