My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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