I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
