I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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