She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
