I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
