you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
