Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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