so that wasnt chicken after all
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
