I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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