I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
