We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize