i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize