You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize