Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
