Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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