first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
