you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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