So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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