If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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