just tell him i said nine months
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize