someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
