You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize