he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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