He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
