Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
