I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
