We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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