You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
