I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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