DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
