I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
