Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
