we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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