what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
