FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
