someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
