I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
