Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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