it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
