You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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