dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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