if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
