apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
