wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
