I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
