What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
