Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
